When I was at my lowest point, every single thought—from waking up to falling asleep—was dominated by the fear of being sick or dying. Looking back on that time now, I realize I was in the midst of severe health anxiety. I didn't have a name for it back then; it just felt real.
It all started with a back injury years ago. A herniated disc was medically diagnosed, but in my mind, one catastrophic scenario after another grew out of it. What I didn't know at the time was that many of my symptoms were psychosomatic, triggered by the stress and trauma (PTSD) following my accident.
The most important step was "labeling" it – calling a spade a spade. Understanding that my nervous system was stuck in a permanent "fight or flight" mode, constantly releasing adrenaline and cortisol, was the turning point.
I've been a father for two and a half years now. And as life would have it: the fear hasn't gone away, it's just changed its form. It used to be about my own health; now my thoughts often revolve around not being here anymore. What if I can't see my children grow up?
There's a fine line between normal parental concern and obsessive rumination that can almost drive you insane. But I've learned: You can't fight fear. You have to accept that it's a part of you.
Even today, there are still nights when I can't sleep and my mind wanders to horrific scenarios. But I've learned to cope with it.
